Childhood is the Kingdom
by ElisaCollette
Summary: Jade is lost in so many ways. Her career is what she has always dreamed, but the rest of her life is shattering. After a tragedy that changes the way she looks at everything, old friends enter to help pick up the pieces. Stand-alone story - not a part of the Try Again Tomorrow universe.
1. Nobody Dies

This is a complete diversion from my other stories. This has nothing to do with the Try Again Tomorrow Universe. I hope you enjoy. Let me know your thoughts!

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Chapter One – Nobody Dies

Jade was not sad. She was not upset. This did not matter to her. She wore black because she always wore black, thank you very much. She sat in the front row so as to appease her father, who was pretending to have loved her mother for the first time in over twenty years. Maybe he did, at some point. But after twenty years of separation, Jade knew he was over it - so he should stop blubbering in the space next to her. The priest moaned on and on about how everyone would miss the dearly departed Isabella West. Truth be told, no one was going to miss her mother. She was a terrible person who had not regretted an unkind word she'd said or a cruel deed she'd done until she was moments from death. And that, Jade felt, was too damn close to the end to count. She hadn't been remorseful or sorry. She'd been terrified. Because if anyone's soul was damned to go to hell, it was Isabella West's. Jade had not been in the room when her mother died. She'd been in the waiting room, stubbornly refusing to enter the hospital room despite the fact that Isabella had already been given her last rights.

Now, the funeral. A quarter of the city had come out for the festivities, as Jade thought of them wryly. And not because her mother was liked or even important. But because Jade was a world-famous director and writer. Everyone who had ever worked with her on a film or television show was there to "offer support." She could tell them where to shove their support. But in deference to the fact that this was a funeral, Jade had decided not to speak that day. As the old adage claimed - if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all. That was her plan, because she certainly had nothing nice to say.

Just before the ceremony began, she felt someone slide into the pew on her right side. It was Cat, she could see in the peripheral. Cat was the only friend from high school that Jade still spoke with on a regular basis. Not that she didn't still hold some regard for the rest of them; she was just busy. And miserable. And depressed. And busy, miserable, and depressed people didn't reach out to their friends. They hid in their mansions and refused to do much more than work. It wasn't much of a life, but it was something that Jade knew well – her own type of solitude in which she found the only comfort that remained within her reach.

She had withered a bit since high school. She didn't eat as much as she should and went from thin to too thin in a matter of a few months after her third and final breakup with Beck. She didn't fight when Cat reached for her hand and held it throughout the mass. The redhead cried, as most people thought Jade would do. But she planned to surprise and annoy all in attendance by keeping a bored and unsentimental expression. She stood, knelt, and sat in tandem with the remainder of the congregation and listened to the ceremony her father and the priest had decided upon. Jade found it hypocritical that her mother was receiving such a lavish church funeral; the woman hadn't been inside a holy building in decades.

The readings, rites, and rituals were finished before Jade knew what was happening. She followed her father behind the casket, Cat's arms wrapped around her. Her eyes were dry. Toward the back of the church, she saw a group she hadn't been expecting. Tori, Beck, Andre, Robbie, even Sinjin. Beck's parents, Tori's parents, Cat's parents.. They were all there. Grown-up. They weren't supposed to be grown-up, not together. She had seen them all as adults. But never together. She told herself that their presence pissed her off but in the end, was forced to savagely bite back the tears that threatened. No one other than Cat approached her until after the burial. Once they were inside the restaurant that was hosting the wake, everyone seemed to believe that meant she wanted to be consoled.

They all said they were sorry, even Beck - who knew what a bitch her mother had been. And his mother, who had always pitied Jade her lot in life, being born to a woman as cold as Isabella. It was only Tori, who hadn't lived in California in years, who dared to venture beyond the scowl Jade offered in response. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," Jade answered tersely. "I really don't want to talk about this. I haven't loved that woman since I was a child."

"People don't get so angry about people they don't love," Tori told her gently. She was pretty in a no-nonsense kind of way now. She wore her dark-rimmed glasses more often than not and her thick, beautiful hair curled in waves that stopped just below her shoulders. And she was far too intuitive for Jade's liking. The darker brunette scowled and Tori backed off. "But you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. What are you working on right now?"

Jade sighed with relief; she could talk about work. That was passable. She took a sip of the mimosa Beck had pushed into her hand and thought before answering. "I just finished another screenplay. Two more have been optioned by Warner Brothers and Summitt."

"That's great!" Jade shrugged. She was proud of her accomplishments, but right now things felt a little numb. It was better to brush them off.

"We just wrapped on production of City of Fallen Angels and I don't have another project to direct until February, so I'm just writing for now."

"Good for you. Now that I'm back in town, it would be great to get together some time - for dinner or just coffee. I've missed you."

"You don't have anyone in your current life who insults you on a daily basis?" Jade asked dryly.

"Nope," Tori said, popping the 'p' slightly. Her smile was as bright as it had been in high school. "It's a job open for applicants."

"I stay busy," Jade told her, "I don't have time for that."

"Work is not a life," Tori told her, her voice reflecting sadness. "Cat and Beck have been worried about you. Don't shut everyone out." In the way she was clutching her hands around her drink, Jade knew she was tense. This wasn't a conversation – it was an intervention. It had been something discussed. It had been discussed and Tori had been voted on as the speaker for the group. They had discussed her - all of them - and it made her blood boil.

"I haven't seen Beck in six months before today," Jade told her sharply. "I don't know what business it is of his - or yours - to worry. Mind your own damn business."

"I'm not going to argue with you," Tori said gently, clearly trying to deescalate. "Not here. But I'm going to call you next week and if you don't pick up, I will keep showing up at your door until you let me in. Got it?"

"You always were too dramatic," Jade snapped, walking away from the other brunette. What business was it of Tori's? They hadn't been friends in years. Jade didn't even know what she did for a living – all she remembered was that Tori went to school for something in the sciences. She didn't even know if the other woman was married or had any kids. The few details she'd garnered had been from Cat's prattling over the years; she knew that Tori had moved back to LA a few weeks before and that Cat spoke to her frequently enough.

Once away from Tori, Jade wandered through the room, silently observing the various groups of people mingle and pretend they cared that her mother was dead. After a bit of searching, she found the perfect hiding place. If anyone found her, she would look childish, standing behind a pillar in the corner of the restaurant, sipping her alcohol and wishing it were something stronger. After twenty minutes, she was found. Beck handed her another pitifully weak drink and a plate of food, leaning against the column so she had even better cover.

"You know, you're allowed to be sad she's dead -she was your mother - even if she wasn't very good at it."

"I'm not sad," she told him. "I'm pissed off that all these people are pretending to care. She was a terrible person."

"Even terrible people can do good things for the world," he told her, brushing a curl of brown hair behind her ear. She had allowed the color to grow out shortly after high school and had left it to its natural beauty ever since. "If nothing else, she brought you into the world - and that was worth more than most people hope to achieve in a lifetime."

"Don't be cheesy," she said with a scowl. "I'm hardly nicer than she was."

"You do things that matter to people," he told her. "And you're not cold-hearted like you want everyone to believe." He paused and gave her a once-over. "Now I'm not leaving you alone until you eat everything on that plate, because you look like crap."

"Thanks, Beck. You really know how to make a girl feel special." But she did eat. It had been several days since she'd had a full meal and at least twenty four hours since she'd had more than an apple or a handful of crackers. She finished the plate and her drink and handed them back to Beck.

"Shouldn't you be filming today?" She asked.

"Hollywood shut down for you, babe," he told her. "My director apparently worked with you last year on Broken Shards and he wanted to come, so the rest of us got the day off."

"People are stupid," she said irritably.

"People love you, whether you want them to or not," Beck told her, carefully wrapping his arms around her dwindling frame. She held herself still, not giving in to the warmth that she remembered - and sometimes still longed for. She pushed him away, glaring at him.

"That reminds me – don't talk to Vega about me." He looked surprised but recognition slowly made its way back into his expression. He looked like he might apologize but then his eyes darkened and he looked straight at Jade, his sincerity and worry cutting at her.

"You can stop me by showing up when I invite you out to lunch or dinner – at least once in a six month period. I don't care how hard you push, Jade. I'm not going to let you disappear." She could hear each strain in his tone - the honesty – the harshness – the fear. The emotions in his words stabbed at her and constricted her chest. She couldn't breathe – and she had no answer for him. She turned on her heel, ducked below his arm before he realized what she was doing, and disappeared into the corridor leading to the ladies room. She knew she couldn't hide there – someone would find her eventually – so she went for the next door. It was a linen closet that was both unoccupied and unlocked. She slipped inside and turned out the light. She was safely ensconced between towers of clean dish towels and tablecloths before the tears began to fall.

Tori watched the scene from across the room, nodding her head as two of her past teachers from Hollywood Arts told her about some of their newer students. She excused herself and met Beck in front of the bar. "That looked bad," she said softly.

Beck shrugged. "Not really any worse than usual," he admitted. "Either she really doesn't care that her mother is gone – or she's in the strongest state of denial ever."

"She cares," Tori assured him, her voice almost absently wandering. She repeated what she'd said to Jade. "People don't get this angry about people they don't care about."

Beck raised his eyebrows. "I didn't realized how much Jade has cared over the years."

Tori smiled and turned her attention to him. "How are you? Are you seeing anyone? Andre said you had a date last week."

Beck grimaced. "She ate salad – without dressing – for dinner. She laughed at everything I said – and didn't try to correct anything I said. And I started making stuff up just to see what would happen. She was really agreeable."

"Shameful," Tori teased. "You know you need to move on, right? I mean – there are breakups – and then there's what happened between you and Jade."

"I'm moving on," Beck said, his eyes unable to stop before the flittered toward the direction where Jade had run. "It's just not as easy as you'd want it to be."

After hiding in the closet for an hour or so, Jade slipped into the ladies room and freshened up. Things were winding down and she was able to avoid her old group of friends for the rest of the wake. Without saying goodbye to anyone, she left the luncheon and walked across the pavement to her car. She had almost reached the sleek black vehicle when she heard scampering heels behind her. She didn't need to hear the voice or turn around to know that Cat was following her. The redhead caught up and slipped into the passenger's seat. Jade looked over at her. "Go away."

"No," Cat answered.

"Cat, get out of the car – go back to Tori and Beck and tell them all to leave me the hell alone."

"They didn't send me," Cat insisted. "You're my best friend and your mom just died. I'm not leaving." Jade said nothing. Cat wasn't usually insistent or intent on anything. The words 'go away' usually worked well enough. This was a different situation. Jade took a few deep breaths and sighed, falling back against her seat. Finally, she sat up a bit and looked directly at the petite redhead.

"Fine – you can stay. But not one word, got it?"

Cat nodded. Jade buckled her seat belt and put the car into drive, steering them toward her home. Cat was surprisingly obedient and did not say anything for the drive. The evening was quiet without her usual chatter and it gave Jade too much time to think. After taking a shower and slipping into her pajamas, she curled up with her best friend to watch a movie marathon. Cat bravely offered to watch Jade's favorites but the brunette knew that would only lead to nightmares that she would be stuck dealing with – so she allowed Cat to choose the movies. They watched hours of old movies and musicals until, somehow, Jade drifted off to sleep.


	2. Life Is Over There (Behind the Shelf)

Chapter 2 - Life Is Over There (Behind the Shelf)

In the early hours of the next morning, Jade found herself wide awake. Cat lay beside her, dead to the world and snoring softy. Despite her previous objections, it was reassuring to not be alone. It had been years since she had spent the night with someone other than Cat in her bed; eight years almost. Her third separation from Beck had been the most amicable and the one that stuck. Cat stayed by her side that day and the next, but eventually she needed to head back to New York and her Broadway show. Jade was torn between emotions. Part of her never wanted Cat to leave – part of her wanted it to have happened days before. She was frozen as her best friend hugged her goodbye and disappeared into the waiting cab.

Two weeks later, Jade hadn't worked. She hadn't written a word or answered any of her emails. Her phone was on silent and she wordlessly watched as messages and voicemails piled up. There were no productions starting until after the holidays, so she was completely prepared to avoid everyone until at least the New Year.

Beck had called four times, Andre and Robbie each once. Cat had called daily and Jade knew well enough to answer those; otherwise the obnoxiously lovable redhead would call for reinforcements. Jade had not expected Tori to attempt to call her after the funeral. After all, it was something people said to be polite. _ I've missed you. We should catch up_. But she did call - and she followed up with Beck, because after Jade had ignored Tori's calls, his became more insistent.

Finally, after eight unanswered voicemails, dozens of unread texts, and two ignored emails, he showed up at her door. How he had surpassed the guards of the gated community, she didn't have the energy to ask. He came bearing sushi and movies, so she let him in. He tried to ask after her well-being but she ignored him, instead focusing on the movie they were watching. She had lost more weight; she looked like a very pale, disappearing version of herself. He worried over her during the entire movie.

Eventually, Beck turned off the television and sat in front of her on the coffee table. "Jade, you need to get out of the house."

"I get out."

"Going onto the back deck for two hours every morning when your maid is here does not count," Beck informed her.

"Shut up," Jade said, trying to turn away from him. Unfortunately for her efforts, he was blocking any chance she had of getting up and walking away.

"If nothing else – let's go for a walk."

"No," Jade responded.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to."

"No."

"Yes."

"No," Jade repeated, the irritation rising in her voice, but her volume remaining soft.

"It'll get me to leave you alone for at least 12 hours," he offered.

She sighed in exasperation and rolled her eyes. "72."

"16."

"48."

"24," he shot back. "Last offer – take it – or I drag you outside for a walk anyway – and I don't leave you alone at all."

"You're a bastard sometimes," she said. He stood and allowed her to pass. She took her time slipping into her tennis shoes and putting on a heavier sweater but Beck seemed perfectly unperturbed by her dawdling.

Once outside, all Jade wanted to do was to go back inside – but Beck closed the door quickly – and he had the key. He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the street. She pulled away and shoved her hands into the pockets of her sweater but followed him, keeping up with his pace. The neighborhood she lived in – the one they had chosen together years ago – was quiet and private. It had a beautiful park in the center and the traffic was light, so they could walk on the streets with no worries – and many people did. Had it been a bit earlier in the day, they would have run into groups of moms and nannies walking their kids, babies, and dogs. Now most of those people were getting their kids and babies ready for bed.

They ran into a few people who were taking late walks, most of whom smiled when they saw Beck. He had been a good neighbor – helping people carry groceries, taking in mail for elderly neighbors when it was cold out - that kind of thing. Jade wasn't a bad neighbor – she was just very private. She hugged herself as they walked and Beck allowed the silence to permeate for the first half mile.

"So – when you do you need to be back at work?"

"Isabella was courteous for the first time in her life," Jade told him. "She conveniently croaked between projects. Nothing is set until January. I have a few meetings and casting calls – but no regular work until February."

He was silent for a moment. "Maybe this would be a good time to visit with Cat – at least for a few days."

"No."

"What about calling Lane about doing a symposium at Hollywood Arts?"

"You would really set me loose on innocent children?"

"If it will keep you busy – yes," Beck told her. "You can't spend the next two and a half months shut up alone in your house. It's not healthy – it's not going to do anything but cause you problems."

"I'll be fine, Beck. You have you own life to worry about. Who are you dating this week?"

"No one," he responded. "Don't change the subject – "

"If it is unhealthy for me to be alone all the time, what is it called when you refuse to find a suitable relationship?"

"I haven't found the right person Jade. And I don't see any great loves on your sidelines."

"We've already established that I'm screwed up. You still have a chance."

"So do you," Beck responded in his matter-of-fact tone. "Jade – you can't give up. It seems easier at the time – but the longer you let yourself be buried by the stress and the sadness, the harder it is to climb back out."

"Then leave me alone in my hole while you still have time. Stop trying to save me." She grabbed the key from his hand and walked away – they were only a few yards from her front yard. Beck sighed and watched her leave. He knew the conversation was lost. He used the hide-a-key to let himself in and cleaned up the kitchen before checking in on Jade one last time.

She was lying in bed, her face turned away from him, most of her body hidden under layers of blankets. "Jade – I'm headed home. I promised you 24 hours – I'll give it to you. But if you need me, call. I still love you, Jade. I am always here for you." She held her breath, keeping the sobs in until he was gone.

He sent her a quick text the next morning – just a few words reminding her that he was available. But otherwise, he kept to his promise. That night, he and Tori met for a late dinner at a new Mexican restaurant she'd wanted to try. Beck smiled as he walked into the outdoor dining area and saw her sitting at one of the tables next to a giant heater. She stood when she saw him and he hugged her before sitting down.

"Have I told you how nice it is to have you back?"

"You have," Tori answered. "But I don't mind hearing it twice." She paused and looked up at him. "It's nice to be back."

They ordered drinks and food. Once the alcohol arrived, Tori went directly for elephant in the courtyard. "How is Jade?"

Beck shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know – I mean – this is one of the things that broke us up. She's been slipping into a depression again – even before Isabella died. She won't accept help – and I can't stand watching her let herself fall into this cycle over and over again." He ran his hand through his hair. "Can we talk about something else? How's your practice going?"

Tori nodded, giving him a moment of silence before continuing. "It's going well. I have more patients here than I did in New Jersey. My schedule is full for the next few months – so the word is out – _I'm here_." She did mocking little jazz hands to go along with the words and upswing in her voice, causing Beck to laugh.

"Do you like everyone you work with?"

"I love my nurse – but I was able to hire her myself. Some of the office workers are not as welcoming as I would like. I mean, people are scared when they come to us – they don't need to be shamed because they forgot an insurance card or don't have a co-pay ready. But not everyone is in the business to help people."

"Well, they're lucky to have you. And your parents? I'm sure they're thrilled to have you back in town."

Tori shrugged. Beck could see a look of uncertainty cross her expression but she quickly recovered. "They travel a lot, so they're not really that involved. They've been sort of distant since Trina…" He nodded, understanding that she had little more to say on the subject that wouldn't delve into a painful place.

"Do you like the new condo?" He and Andre had helped her move in – it was only ten minutes from his apartment, another five from Jade's house.

"It's ok," Tori said. "Honestly, I've been working so much, it doesn't really matter. Once my practice is solid and I can start limiting my patient numbers, I'd like to move somewhere more private." She paused. "And I want more outdoor space."

The rest of their evening was full of small talk. Everything from their careers to movies to world affairs. They stayed away from the topic of Jade until the very end.

"What are you going to do about her?" Tori asked, as they walked toward the parking garage that held both their cars. Her arm was linked through his and to anyone who didn't know them well, it might have appeared to be a date.

Beck shook her head and stopped at a bench in front of a nearby restaurant. They sat together and were silent as he gathered his thoughts. "I don't know what to do," he admitted. "We broke up because I didn't feel like I could do this anymore – but I can't just leave her to fend for herself – because I don't want to receive that call from the police or the hospital or the coroner."

"It's that bad?"

"It gets that bad because she refuses to get help," Beck answered. "I guess I'll head over there tomorrow and try again to talk some sense into her – get her to a psychiatrist before it gets too bad."

"I'll go, if you think it would help."

Beck smiled at her wryly. "Tori, you bring out the most stubborn side of Jade. If you said the sky was blue, she would call it pink. For now, let me try to take care of it. The first step is to get her out of the house-"

"Then let's work together," Tori suggested. "Let's meet for dinner tomorrow at seven. You pick the place and make the reservation – I'll call Andre."

"I don't know—"

"She knows you won't bring up anything serious in a group setting – it might entice her to come. You can tell her I don't want her there, if you think that would encourage her." Beck laughed.

"We've missed you," he told her sincerely. She smiled and stood, dragging him up off the bench and they continued their walk to the parking lot.

The next day, Beck arrived at Jade's in the early afternoon. He didn't bother knocking – she wouldn't have let him in. He unlocked the door, punched in the alarm code, and went in search of her. Relief hit him as he found her, at least, not still in bed. She was at her piano in the music room and scowled as he poked his head in.

"You could knock," she said.

"I could," he agreed. "You could also change the locks or put a new alarm code in." Her scowl deepened and she looked back down at the papers spread before her. She gathered them into a stack and slid them into the piano bench as she stood. Beck could see glimpses and realized she was writing. "Writing music again? That's good."

Jade ignored his comment. She slipped passed him and into the kitchen where she poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table, waiting to hear whatever it was he wanted to say.

"Go and get ready – we're going out – dinner and a show. Show is your choice – I have a few people I can call for tickets, depending on what you want to see."

"You choose," Jade told him. "Because I'm not going."

"You're going," he responded firmly. "If I have to carry you out of this house wearing that," he said, indicating her t-shirt and yoga pants. "And we have reservations at Nola, so I don't think that's the best option."

"I am not spending two hours arguing with you at an expensive restaurant."

"Tori and Andre will be there."

Jade's eyebrows rose and then her eyes narrowed. "If this is some kind of intervention–"

"This is a few old friends going out for a night on the town – and you need to get out, Jade. Come on. Spring Awakening's playing – so is Avenue Q. And Next to Normal. You love all of those."

"Fine," Jade said with a groan, sliding her empty cup away from her and kicking her feet under the table. "Next to Normal – and the seats better be damn good." With that, she disappeared up the stairs and Beck smiled, sitting back in his chair to make the phone call that would provide him with such tickets.

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The next chapter introduces the main conflict of the story – but these first two set it up for you. Hope you're enjoying the story so far – please let me know what you've liked. Any questions or thoughts as you read? Thanks for reading!

Title is modified from Emily Dickinson's "I Cannot Live With You." And since I didn't mention before - for those who don't know - the title for the story and the first chapter is a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay called "Childhood is the Kingdom Where Nobody Dies." Good poems :-)


	3. I Lived On Dread

Chapter 3 "I Lived On Dread"

After realizing that as long as she moped around feeling sorry for herself, Beck was going to be in her business on a regular basis, Jade decided it was time to pull herself out of her funk. She started curling her hair again, putting on makeup, and making regular trips outside the house. It began as a ruse to get Beck to back off, but it did help – she felt more like herself than she had in months.

She was thinking of that progress, slightly happy with it and also annoyed that she'd been pushed into it by Beck, when her father interrupted her and brought her doubts and fears crashing back around her.

"Jade, have you gotten the results back yet?" Her father asked, exactly six weeks after the funeral. She stopped mid-bite, her piece of Italian bread forgotten between her perfectly manicured fingernails. She recovered quickly, chewing what was in her mouth and placing the rest on the edge of her plate.

"No," she answered coldly.

"When are you getting them? I didn't think it would take more than a few days – "

"I'm not going to," she told him firmly, "because I didn't have the tests done."

"Jade-"

"There's nothing they can do. What would be the point? I intend to live my life. If something comes along and shortens it, I have no control over it. I don't need to know it's coming."

"There are things that can help - early detection-"

"We are not talking about this," Jade told him. "Let me eat in peace." The remainder of their dinner conversation revolved around her newest project and his work, with occasional references to and inquiries about her younger brother. Brandon spoke to Jade once a month - the third Sunday to be exact. He called their father on the fourth Sunday. Their mother had been the second Sunday, but that had been recently freed up. Once a month seemed to work for their family. Jade hadn't felt the desire to throttle her father in years. She and her mother had not maintained the once-a-month deal; neither woman had possessed the want or need. But Jade and her father met up once a month since they were in the same town and she allowed him to buy her dinner because it made him feel useful, as though she still needed him for something.

Occasionally, she didn't hate his company. She'd gotten her wit and dry humor honestly. And not much of it had come from her mother. Currently, her father was not feeling humorous and he was not amusing his daughter in the least. He tried several more times to discuss the topic of her mother's death and the medical tests she should be scheduling to find out if she had the same problems to look forward to, but Jade shut him down quickly.

Cat called her two days later and the desire to throttle her father that she had fostered as a teen swiftly returned.

"Hey, Cat," she said, answering on the second ring. She was at her piano, working on the same piece that had been plaguing her for weeks. There was a reason she hadn't gone into performing or composing as a profession. She was too much of a perfectionist to finish anything – and it drove her crazy. She stood and stretched as she answered the phone.

"Jade, your dad called me about the tests."

"What?" Jade yelled angrily. "Cat – "

"Don't tell me it's not true – he wouldn't have called me if he wasn't worried." Her voice rose as she spoke, a sure sign that she was agitated. Jade cursed her father silently.

"Cat, I'm fine," Jade protested, trying to keep her voice level. "The tests are stupid – all they tell you is if you are more likely to get breast and ovarian cancer. And we already know that I am – so it's really not necessary – "

"You have to go," Cat told her. "You have to make sure nothing is wrong. Jadey, I can't lose you – "

"Cat, I'm fine," Jade repeated. She was now pacing through her kitchen, biting her lip as she listened to her best friend argue from the other side of the country.

"If you don't go – I'll come and make sure you go. You have to take care of yourself. What would you do if I was refusing to go and get a test done that my doctor wanted me to have?"

"That's different."

"Why?"

"Catttt," she growled.

"Make the appointment," Cat told her. "Now. I'll call you back tonight and you can tell me when it is." She hung up before Jade could argue. Damn her. She knew Jade wouldn't listen to anyone else. And Cat had the ability to become hysterical if she didn't get what she wanted.

Jade had paced into the living room and sat on her sofa, her head falling to her hands. She remained in that position until she heard her phone buzz. Cat had sent her a text, enforcing her orders. It helpfully contained her doctor's phone number, which Jade did have in her phone book already – but it was a clear indication of how serious the redhead actually was.

Sighing deeply, Jade called her doctor's office and waited through the annoying choices on the phone system. She pressed the requisite numbers and eventually landed on a receptionist who clearly loved annoying people with her cheeriness.

"This is Jade West. I need to make an appointment with Dr. Adams."

"Of course, Ms. West. What is this appointment for?" Jade sighed again.

"My mother just died from ovarian cancer – and my dad wants me to find out if I have HBOC and see what I need to do as far as cancer screenings."

"I am so sorry to hear about your loss," the woman said in a sympathetic tone. "Let me check with Dr. Adams and get right back to you – "

"Can't I just make the appointment?" Jade asked, knowing – and not at all caring – that she was whining like a child.

"I promise – I will call you right back," the woman told her. "But I have to check with Dr. Adams – I'm not sure if those screenings require a referral or if they can be done here on site. What's the best number I can use to call you right back?"

Jade rattled off her number and hung up. Less than twenty minutes later, she was lying in the sofa, her legs over the arm, staring at the ceiling, when her phone rang. "Hello?"

"Jade?"

"Hey, Dr. Adams," she said, trying to be at least somewhat congenial. She did like her doctor, despite the fact that most of the remainder of the world's population pissed her off.

"Jade, I'm so sorry to hear about Isabella. I know you two weren't close, but I'm sure it's still not easy."

"I'm fine," Jade insisted.

"Are you talking to someone – "

"I'm talking to you right now," Jade replied cheerfully, knowing completely what the doctor meant.

"Jade – "

"I promise if I feel the need to off myself due to Isabella's death, I'll call you first."

"Oh, Jade." The doctor sighed. She had known the woman as her patient – a very interesting patient – since she was a teen. "Rachel gave me your message – and I wanted to call back myself. I'm going to refer you to the cancer center – "

"I don't have cancer," Jade said, sitting up and swinging her legs toward the floor. There was no hiding the desperate panic in her voice.

"I know. I'm not suggesting you do," the doctor assured her. "But I just spoke with your mother's doctor – and after seeing her files, I believe you need to see a genetic oncologist."

"Why?"

"The reasons you have risk factors are genetic – not lifestyle. There are doctors who specialize in screening and treating hereditary breast and ovarian cancer syndrome. You need to be seeing the best – not coming here for a blood tests to tell us what we already know is very likely."

"We don't know," Jade told her emphatically.

"Jade, your chances of not having HBOC are slim. I hope that you don't have it, I really do. But even if you don't, your mother just died from Ovarian cancer at a fairly young age. You need to see a specialist. You know I wouldn't suggest it unless I thought it was absolutely necessary."

"Fine," Jade agreed finally. She had a headache growing behind her eyes and couldn't stand talking any longer. "I just can't deal with this right now – "

"Let me have Rachel make you the appointment," Dr. Adams offered. "Do you have any preferences on days or times?"

"No," Jade said begrudgingly.

"Alright, then. I'll have her call you back with the details." In the interim, Jade walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water and drank it. Then she grabbed an icepack from the freezer and took it back to the living room. She rolled it behind her neck and it lessened the pain a bit. She closed her eyes and waited for her phone to ring. It did, and she answered with an extremely gruff greeting.

"Yes?"

"Miss West, this is Rachel from Dr. Adams office," the woman said cheerfully, not paying any mind to Jade's tone.

"I know, I have caller ID," Jade responded through gritted teeth.

The woman seemed unruffled. "I was able to get you an appointment with one of the best genetic oncologists in the city. Some say she is the best – "

"Where is it?"

"The UCLA Cancer Treatment Center. It's one of the top – "

"When?" Jade asked, sharply interrupting.

"Your appointment is on Tuesday the 16th at 10am with - "

"Thanks," Jade said, hanging up the phone before the woman could finish. She called back, but Jade ignored it and deleted the message – she didn't need to talk about this any further. She sent Cat a text message to tell her that the deed had been done and turned her phone off before walking to her bathroom to crawl under the covers and hide from the world.

Cat still called her later that night – it was midnight in New York and her show had just ended. "Thank you, Jade," she said as soon as the brunette answered.

"I didn't do it to make you happy," she informed the redhead. "I did it so you would leave me alone."

"It doesn't matter," Cat assured her. "Thank you either way. How are you?"

Jade sighed – she had no idea how to answer that question. "I've been better," she finally admitted. She only paused for a moment before moving on to change the subject. "How was your show tonight?"

"Wonderful!" Cat trilled. "Patrick said it was the best show we've had in months. We had a standing ovation."

"Good for you," Jade answered, trying to sound more excited and less exhausted. "Are you going out with the cast tonight?"

"We have another show tomorrow," Cat informed her – a fact that Jade already possessed. "I don't think so. I never thought I would get tired of doing this – but my feet are starting to hurt."

"Tell the costume department that you need new shoes – with support," Jade told her. Cat laughed, as though that was the silliest thing she'd heard all night.

"I'm fine, Jadey. Just tired. You need to come and visit me," she added, with an elongated disgruntled pouting sound.

"I have work," Jade responded automatically.

"No you don't," Cat argued. "Come visit me, Jade. Please? Please?" She continued to talk and pester until Jade promised she would look into tickets before the holidays. As soon as she hung up the phone, Jade rolled over in bed and closed her eyes, hugging her arms to her chest and willing herself to leave it all behind as she slipped into a restless sleep.

* * *

Title from Emily Dickinson

I lived on dread; to those who know

The stimulus there is

In danger, other impetus

Is numb and vital-less.

As't were a spur upon the soul,

A fear will urge it where

To go without the spectre's aid

Were challenging despair.

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Please review! Would certainly like to know what you think. Please excuse medical mistakes. I do what I can to research, but sometimes artistic license kicks in. Thanks!


	4. Defense Against the Universe

Thank you for the reviews so far. please continue to let me know what you think - it helps to inspire, as always.

* * *

Chapter 4 – Defense Against the Universe

"Humor is just another defense against the universe." ~Mel Brooks

The morning of her appointment had arrived and Jade was ticked off that she'd allowed herself to be bullied into doing something she had no desire to do; something that might tell her something she didn't want to know. She didn't dare hope that the results would be negative and would lighten her mind.

She hated doctors and medical exams as a rule, so she had been nervous and jumpy since the day before. Her sleep had been troubled and sparse. Any attempt at consuming breakfast met with unpleasantness, so she left her house that morning with an empty stomach.

The specialist, as she had already been informed, was located inside a cancer center. Jade was annoyed; why should anyone who doesn't actually have cancer be forced to step inside a cancer center? It was just depressing. Jade didn't have time to worry about what to do in the gigantic, impersonal waiting room. A nurse called her back quickly and she was taken to a private room and given forms to fill out. The questions gave her somewhere to focus and her hands stopped trembling as she wrote. She had just finished the lengthy questionnaire when a knock sounded at the door. "Come in."

Jade looked up to find herself staring at Tori Vega. The former singer was dressed in a pair of black slacks and dark purple blouse with a stethoscope slung around her neck. "Vega?"

"I was worried you had no idea who you made the appointment with," Tori said softly. She closed the door behind her and sat on the stool on wheels, moving it slightly so she was sitting across from Jade. "I didn't think you'd purposely come here. I tried to call to warn you."

"Someone else made the appointment," Jade grumbled. She had, indeed, been ignoring most phone calls. She had thought Tori was calling to ask her to dinner or drinks and she had no interest. "She said it was with the best genetic cancer specialist in the city." Tori's cheeks reddened.

"It's all subjective, but I've been told that."

"Since when have you been a doctor?"

"Since I finished my residency from John Hopkins five years ago. After Trina died of Sarcoma, I wanted to do something important - and my heart just wasn't in performing anymore." Jade remembered Trina's death – they had been in their early twenties when it had happened. She'd refused to go to the funeral. Beck had tried to get her there but she'd been going through a depressive bender and had refused to get out of bed for two weeks. There was little he could do. He attended the viewings and funeral alone, offering apologies for his fiancée. Tori had never held it against her - apparently Beck had been a bit too forthcoming with Jade's mental state.

"Sorry, about Trina," Jade said, her voice softer than normal. Tori nodded and swallowed hard. She flipped through a file and Jade could see she was taking a moment to collect herself.

"Anyway, if you want me to recommend someone else, I can do that. In this place, Dr. Evanston is pretty good. If you want a woman, Dr. Wilde is good too; she works in an office across town. They're both pretty booked, but I can make a few calls and see when I can get you in." She paused and looked suspiciously at Jade. "I actually don't know how you got an appointment with me - I'm booked solid for the next three months. But apparently there was a cancellation." Jade knew Tori was going to continue rambling about appointments and other doctors, so she interrupted.

"Are you really the best in the city?"

Tori thought it over and nodded, her lips pinched together grimly. Jade's eyebrows knitted together in concentration. "And you can't tell anyone else anything that you know about me?"

"Of course not," Tori promised.

"Then let's just get this over with."

"You want to know if you have one of the HBOC gene mutations?"

Jade rolled her eyes in answer. "I don't want any of this - but my father told Cat about my mother's family history and now she's being ridiculously hysterical from across the country. So it's find out now, or find out in a week when she flies to L.A. for the express purpose of dragging me directly back here."

"Having the gene doesn't mean you'll have cancer," Tori told her gently. "It just means you have to screen more carefully and pay more attention."

"Because the chances are a hell of a lot higher," Jade finished for her. Tori started asking questions about Jade's medical history, her mother's medical history, and anyone else Jade could remember.

Tori didn't say anything in response, but Jade could see tiny worry lines at the corner of her eyes as she began recounting the maternal side of her family tree. Her mother had died battling both breast and ovarian cancers. It had been the ovarian cancer that had done her in, but they were both present at the time of death. An aunt had died of breast cancer at 35. Her cousin died of ovarian cancer at 38. Her grandmother had died of breast cancer at 55. It went further back, but Jade wasn't sure of the details.

"Do you think your stepfather would agree to release your mom's medical records?"

"Probably," Jade answered. "As soon as he gets back from whatever Island he's visiting with her life insurance settlement."

"Jade-"

"I can't do this," Jade said abruptly, standing from her chair. "I don't want to know. what the fuck does it matter if I know? Look at the picture - it's not a pretty sight."

"I can't make you stay," Tori told her, her voice gentle and sympathetic. "But if you find out what you're up against now, you'll have a fighting chance. If you wait for it to happen, the disease has the upper hand. Everyone deserves a chance."

"What do I have to do?" She asked, her voice still dripping with anger and frustration.

"To test for the gene mutations, a blood test. For cancer screenings - it's a lot more complex. To make sure nothing is missed, you should have a pelvic exam and breast exam semi-annually, and a mammogram, transvaginal ultrasound, CA-125 blood test, and a breast MRI yearly." Jade looked understandably overwhelmed. Tori put her medical file aside and looked directly at Jade.

"You don't have to do any of this today if you need more time to think. Or we can do the blood test today and schedule the rest for another day."

"If I wait for the results – in the off-chance that I don't have HBOC, do I still need the screenings?"

"Yes," Tori answered unceremoniously. "No matter what your genetic tests tell us, your mother just died from an early-onset cancer. You need to be vigilant about screenings."

Jade sighed and shook her head. She sat back in the chair she had vacated and was silent for several moments, taking deep breaths and trying to calm herself.

"Can it all be done today?"

"If that's what you want to do," Tori said, "then yes." She knew her staff would be understandably upset that she was squeezing in appointments during what was already a busy day, but she also knew Jade. If she allowed the woman out the door without doing these screenings today – her likelihood of returning without intervention was slim. But her knowledge of Jade had allowed her to make it all sound like the other woman's choice.

"Let's get this over with," Jade said with another heavy sigh.

Tori took a cotton gown from a cabinet in the room and handed it to Jade. "It should open in the front. My nurse, Julie, will be back in a few minutes to get your vitals and do the blood draw. I'll have Margaret schedule the other tests and then I'll come back in to do the exam."

"Joy," Jade said irritably. Tori smiled and left the room, taking the already-thick medical file with her. Julie made her entrance less than five minutes later and took Jade's vitals, height, and weight, and asked a series of questions that annoyed the brooding brunette. She then took six vials of blood while Jade looked on angrily.

By the time Tori returned, Jade was exhausted simply from being annoyed. "Must you frighten my staff?" Tori asked her.

"Yes I must," Jade responded.

"Your weight is unacceptable. No matter what these tests say, you need to gain weight. At least fifteen pounds. I don't care how you do it - have a milkshake every day, put alfredo sauce on your pasta, eat cheese and crackers at midnight - but gain weight."

Jade didn't answer; it wasn't something she thought about, she simply wasn't hungry all that often. But Tori was adamant and clearly wanted a response, so Jade nodded obediently to get her to shut up and move on.

Jade did not often go to the doctor because she truly disliked being touched, poked, prodded, or asked questions - everything involved in an exam. She was okay when Tori was checking her ears, throat, sinuses, and reflexes. But once she was lying back on the exam table, her heart began fluttering and her mouth was suddenly zapped of all moisture.

"Do you want me to find someone else to do the exam?" Tori asked her softly, after noting the growing panic.

"It's not you," Jade told her. "It's every doctor - any doctor. It doesn't matter."

"Sit up," Tori told her, moving the table back into a seated position. She pulled a blanket from under the table and placed it over Jade. It was blessedly warmer, but Jade was confused.

"What are you doing?"

"You're not having a panic attack while I'm doing an exam," Tori told her. "Have you ever tried taking anything before going to an appointment?" Jade shook her head. "Are you opposed to a sedative?" She shook her head again. "Do you take any now?" Another shake. "Okay," Tori said soothingly. "I will be back in a minute. Try doing some of the breathing exercises you would do before singing - it might help." Once she left, Jade did begrudgingly follow her advice and found it to be somewhat helpful.

When Tori returned, she had two boxes and a bottle of water. She held up the first one. "Valium - it'll kick in in 20 minutes and last about 24 hours. Sonata is your second choice - it kicks in a little faster but only lasts for an hour or two." Jade pointed to the Valium without a word. Tori opened the box and handed her a pill, along with the bottle of water.

"How is Brandon?" Tori asked, sitting on her stool and leaning against the sink. Jade was surprised - she didn't know that Tori knew about her brother, much less his name.

"He's good," she said. "He came home for the funeral but had to get back to school pretty quickly - finals. He's working on the literary magazine - pretty big deal for a Freshman at Yale." Tori smiled; she knew Jade was proud of her little brother.

"That's great," Tori agreed. "What is he writing? Is he thinking journalism or creative writing?" They spent the next twenty minutes talking about Brandon's academic ambitions, Jade's projects, and a ridiculous play that Tori had written at Hollywood Arts.

Almost forgetting what they were doing, Jade was slightly startled when Tori reached over and picked up her wrist, measuring her pulse. "Much better," Tori said, smiling brightly. "Let's get this finished." Jade had to hand it to her - Tori was thorough but quick – the exam was finished before she knew it.

"There are no tumors immediately visible or tangible," Tori told her, moving to the sink to remove her gloves and wash her hands. "Which is good. By the time you can find a lump, it's usually at least a stage 2 diagnosis."

"You are just a fount of good news."

"No sarcasm," Tori chided. She looked at her watch. "The transvaginal ultrasound is scheduled in twenty minutes and then they'll do the mammogram and breast MRI."

"Throw in a root canal and a barium enema and it could be the best day ever," Jade said, her voice still dripping with sarcasm.

Jade was intelligent. She knew what the root word trans meant. But the word ultrasound had tricked her - she was expecting cold gel and strange black and white pictures. Apparently, when they stuck the thing inside you, the pictures were in color. She was not amused. She was not comfortable. The technician explained everything and was careful, but as Tori had explained, they needed to touch the organs to get a clear picture. Those organs didn't like to be touched directly; they were sensitive. Jade was pissed off.

Despite the fact that she'd already had to cancel three appointments, Tori stayed with Jade during the tests, worried about her emotional reaction to the day's events. She realized her mistake in choosing a seat in the exam room when Jade almost broke her hand while the technician was tilting the wand to reach her ovaries. Jade made a strangled sound and almost lifted herself off the table. Tori put a hand on each shoulder, steadying her.

"Almost done," she promised.

"The last time someone was that even close to that far up in my private parts, I at least got an engagement ring out of the deal," Jade said , almost breathlessly. The technician tried to hide her smile. Tori squeezed Jade's hand as the sensor moved to the fallopian tube, pressing uncomfortably.

Jade had enough. "Get it out," she said, suddenly.

"She's almost done," Tori said, her voice soothing. She moved to the edge of the exam table, a hand on either side of Jade - she was ready to hold her down if she needed to.

"Now," Jade said sharply.

"She is almost done," Tori repeated.

"Tori-" Jade's voice was cut off because she was too busy biting her lip. Tears glinted at the corners of her eyes, which were shut tight. Tori's hands rested on her shoulders, holding her lightly as the technician finished the sweep of her organs and removed the sensor. She folded back the stirrups, pulled up the end of the exam table, and placed Jade's feet carefully on it. She was out the door in under seconds, just before the dam broke and Jade burst into tears.

"I'm sorry," she said, frantically wiping at the tears. "I don't know what happened. It's just too much. It was too much-"

"It's okay," Tori promised, handing her several tissues. "That is a hard procedure. It can be painful and emotional - and it pretty much just sucks." Jade stifled a laugh, still sobbing.

"What is wrong with me?"

"I was only on my psych rotation for six weeks - so I'm probably not the best person to ask." This teasing joke caused Jade to laugh for real, her tears diminishing a bit. Tori's voice softened. "But really, you're doing fine. This is a lot to take in, all in one day."

Ordering Jade to rest, Tori walked around the room, cleaning up the tools the technician had left behind when she'd made her quick exit. After ten minutes of staring at the ceiling and trying to remind herself to breathe, Jade was ready to move on.

"Do you want to do this today? We can schedule the last two tests for another day."

"Was that the worst one?" Her question was asked in a reserved voice; very unlike her.

"Mammograms are not usually fun, but that was definitely the worst. And the MRI is a piece of cake."

"Let's go then." The mammogram was not fun - but it wasn't as terrible as Jade feared it would be. Again, she mentioned that not even Beck had gotten to play so much with her breasts as she was positioned and repositioned. Joking was her last ditch effort to remain steady – she felt something ready to break inside her. Within the hour, she was being loaded into the MRI. It was a closed machine, so Jade closed her eyes before she entered; seeing that she was in a confined space would not help her currently fragile emotional state. She held her breath and did what she was told by the annoying voice in the microphone and listened to the thumping of the machine, wondering if it might fall apart above her head. She answered with sarcasm every time the voice asked her how she was doing. After an hour in the tight space, it was announced that the test was finished - the metal table began inching out of the machine.

Tori was standing outside the machine, her hands poised to stop Jade from moving too quickly. She knew the other brunette was likely to jump up so quickly she would hit her head trying to escape; it had been known to happen. Once the table had stopped moving, Tori allowed her up, reminding her to move carefully.

Within ten minutes, Jade was back in the original exam room, dressed in her street clothing, touching up the makeup that had run with all of her crying and sniveling, as she balefully thought of it.

Tori was standing in the doorway, just having reentered to check on her. "You can't drive with the Valium in your system. Do you want me to call Beck for you?" Jade shook her head; she didn't want anyone to see her at this point; she knew – despite her efforts with the makeup - that her eyes were red and puffy and she looked as exhausted as she felt. "Your dad?"

"No," Jade said, harshly. "Shut up, Vega. I'll be fine. I can drive." She began digging through her purse, looking for her keys.

"No, you can't," Tori responded. "Give me a few minutes to reorganized a few appointments and I'll drive you home."

"I'm fine."

"Walk in a straight line to the door," Tori suggested, her voice light.

"Shut up," Jade said harshly. "Where are my keys?" She threw her purse against the hard plastic chair. Tori held up the onyx-decorated key ring before shoving it back in her pocket.

"I'll be back in five minutes."

Tori called a taxi en-route, so it was waiting when she pulled Jade's car into her driveway. She motioned for the driver that she would just be a minute and walked with Jade to the front door.

"You are not coming in," Jade informed her.

"I have to get back to work. But you need to not go directly to bed." Jade rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious, Jade. You need to eat something – and call Beck – or at least Cat – you shouldn't be alone right now."

"I'm fine, Vega," Jade informed her, opening her front door. "No suicidal thoughts, I promise. Now go – you've already probably pissed off at least half a dozen of your patients today. I'm fine." Tori didn't argue – it wouldn't have done any good. Jade was finished.

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Please review and let me know your thoughts. Favorite pieces of dialog? Questions? Comments? Thoughts about what might happen next? Please review! Thanks for reading!


	5. The Courage That Matters

Chapter 5 – The courage that matters

"_The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next." _

~Mignon McLaughlin

Tori thought twice about answering her phone – she had a five minutes break between patients and she was using it to shove food down her throat for the first time in seven hours. But the name on her cell phone would not be ignored. She said hello, but the polite greeting was not returned to her.

"I thought you weren't allowed to share my medical information," Jade hissed.

Tori sighed. "Jade, I told Beck to check on you - that was all. And, by the way, you still have him listed as your emergency contact. So, had I been so inclined, I could have told him what you went through yesterday. I didn't." She knew her voice sounded irritated, but she was – so why hedge? "But you should."

"Shit," Jade said, just before cutting off the call and setting her pearphone on her nightstand. Beck had returned, a tray in his hands. He'd made grilled cheese and noodle soup - her favorite meal for a rainy day or a sick day.

Half an hour before, after she'd ignored phone calls, text messages, and her doorbell – he had let himself in. He still had a key. Of course the bastard still had a key, she thought angrily to herself as she watched him arrange the tray in front of her. Beck was still more intertwined in her life than her own family was – and they had been apart for over eight years. Cat might have been her best friend, but she was still Beck's. And, if pressed – well no, she still wouldn't admit it aloud – but she still loved him. In a completely non-boyfriend way. In that moment, when all she wanted was her bed and silence, she was questioning the sanity of her continued relationship with her ex.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" Beck asked, watching as Jade carefully dipped pieces of her sandwich into her soup before eating them.

"No," she said shortly.

"Can you tell me something?" Beck begged. "Because if Tori's involved, I'm worried. She specializes in-"

"I'm aware," Jade told him, cutting in. "I'm fine. But there's a good chance I have a genetic predisposition to breast and ovarian cancer. So, after my father told Cat and she started bugging me, I was forced to find out if I have the gene malformation - and to do the cancer screenings. Which included a variety of somewhat painful and unpleasant tests. Unless Vega was just screwing with me - which is entirely possible." He sank down next to her on the bed, her hands coming up at the last minute to steady the tray so nothing spilled or shifted.

"Why can't you just tell people things, Jade? Why does everything have to be a secret? I would have been happy to go with you, offer support-"

"I thought one of the perks of not dating anymore was the absence of emotional blackmail," Jade said dryly. "So cut it out. I don't tell people things. It sucks. But so does having a medical implement shoved into your vagina. We acknowledge the suck - we move on."

"Jade-"

"No more talking," Jade told him. "If you're staying, you need to entertain me, not annoy me. What did you bring?" She knew him well - he had brought a plethora of Criterion Collection films. While she finished eating, Beck drew the blinds in her bedroom and folded back two decorative panels in her bookshelf to reveal a large television. Jade loved to hide her televisions. There was not one in plain sight - but she had one in every room. Jade had glanced through what he'd brought and held up Quadrophenia, which he popped into the Bluray player. Dimming the bedroom lights, he took Jade's tray and placed it on a nearby table before crawling into bed behind her, propping himself against several pillows. Jade curled into him, the crown of her head just below his chin.

His right hand curled around her waist, running gently up and down her side. "Are you still hurting?"

"Just sore," Jade assured him. "I'll be fine by tomorrow." They watched the movie in relative silence, talking only to make fun of editorial or directorial choices in the film.

Jade refused to allow him to stay long after the movie – let alone for dinner. She had yelled and thrown things until he relented and left, not before sneaking back over to her and kissing her cheek. "Call me if you need me – and eat something, for God's sake."

"Bite me," Jade answered, hurling another pillow at him as he left the room.

"Can't," Beck called from down the hall. "You're the one who said no sex."

"Get out of here!" She called after him. And with a few doors closing and his car pulling out of the driveway, she knew he was gone. She picked up all of the bed clothing and pillows she had allowed to fall victim in the battle with Beck and then sat back against her headboard, a quick sigh turning into a sob.

That night, Beck picked up Tori from her office for a late dinner. A very late dinner. It was nine o'clock by the time they reached the home-style Italian restaurant and she collapsed into her seat at a booth near the back of the restaurant. "Why were you working so late?" Beck asked, sliding into his own seat. They ordered drinks and appetizers before she could answer.

"Appointments were backed up earlier in the week," she told him. "I had to make up for it."

"Don't work too hard," he warned her.

"I'll try my best," she agreed, drinking her fill from her glass of wine.

"Jade is infuriating, as usual," he said, not even requiring Tori to ask about her. She was quiet and allowed him to vent. He did for most of the conversation and she sat in quiet contemplation, nodding and listening. She wondered if he knew he was still in love with Jade.

Tori had rushed Jade's test results. It had taken every ounce of her control not to barge in on the young director the day after the exam and tests were done. Tori didn't like to see Jade vulnerable. Her old high school frenemy reduced to tears was nothing she wanted to witness again.

Thursday morning, Tori arrived to find Jade's test results on her desk. She skimmed them and sighed. She pushed the intercom that went from her office into that of her nurse. "Julie, can you call Jade West to set up a follow-up appointment. As soon as possible - this week. Cancel something else or schedule me late if you can't fit her in otherwise."

"Sure thing, Dr. V," the young woman said, her voice chipper. She was always chipper in the morning. It was something Tori appreciated, but something she knew Jade would hate. She shook her head - why did it matter what Jade thought of her nurse?

Julie appeared in her office ten minutes later, looking confused and upset. "What happened?"

"She said no thank you," Julie said. "But those are my words - she didn't say thank you at all. And she didn't actually say no- "

"I'm sure I know what she said," Tori said apologetically. Her eyebrows rose. She wished she was more surprised. She smiled lightly. "Thanks, Julie. I'll try her. She can be a bit difficult." And she was going to insist on being difficult. Tori called her four times that day - twice from the blocked office number and twice from her personal number - which Jade would have recognized. After leaving a message threatening to call Beck and instruct him to call Cat, Jade called the office and made an appointment for Friday morning. An appointment she promptly skipped.

"Jade!" Tori yelled. "Open the door now." She banged on the wood again. "So help me, I will call Cat, your father, Beck, everyone-"

The door swung open and Jade stood in the entrance, scowling. "That's against your supposed code," she reminded Tori coldly.

"I don't have to tell them why I'm calling," Tori answered, pushing past Jade and into the house. She was carrying two bags that Jade eyed suspiciously.

"I don't want you here. If I wanted to see you, I would have kept my appointment."

"And if you had kept your appointment, I wouldn't be here," Tori responded. "You didn't even get the results-"

"Read a book or watch a god-damned movie, Vega. Doctors don't call you back to the office for good news."

"It's not as bad as it could be," Tori told her.

"Great," Jade said sarcastically. "That's what I've always striven for in this life - for things to be not as crappy as they could be."

"I'm not leaving until you listen to me and we talk about this. Where is your kitchen?"

"Why?"

"I brought food since you clearly don't keep much in stock." Jade snarled and pointed down the hall. Tori walked straight back and found herself in a state-of-the-art kitchen, complete with custom cabinets and beautiful top-of-the-line appliances. Jade sat at the Island and watched Tori unpack the two bags of food and store them in her refrigerator and pantry. She exited the pantry with several items still in her hands.

The slightly taller brunette began to investigate the kitchen, pulling from different cabinets a colander, a large pot, and a cheese grater. "What are you doing?" Jade asked, watching with mild interest.

"Cooking. It's something that occasionally people do in order to feed themselves."

"I know how to cook, Vega."

"When is the last time you made a meal? And throwing a frozen pizza into the oven doesn't count." Jade remained silent. She hadn't cooked a full meal since she and Beck had split.

Within twenty minutes, a lasagna was in the oven. Tori set the timer and began preparing a salad. She finished that quickly and carried it and two salad plates to the kitchen table, a place where Jade never spent time. But she followed her, sitting at the round, flat surface. "The results indicate you've have a slightly elevated white blood cell count. That could mean anything. But the good news is that the scans showed no irregularities."

"What does that mean?" Jade asked, lazily spearing a piece of lettuce with her fork.

"You have the gene for the cancer, but you don't have cancer. It may not appear for years. If we're lucky, it may never appear. You need to be diligent about the screenings- you should be having a physical exam and basic blood tests every six months, the scans and more in-depth blood tests every year."

"What if I don't?" Jade asked, more softly than with the defiance Tori had expected.

Tori paused, weighing her options. "Best case scenario, you are the first woman in your traceable maternal family history to never get cancer and you will live a long life. Worst case scenario, you develop cancer in the next few years and you're dead before you hit forty."

Jade stood and moved to her refrigerator, removing from it a bottle of Trefethen Riesling. She moved to a drawer, pulled out a corkscrew, and grabbed two glasses and brought it all back to the table.

"Drinking is not going to help," Tori told her, watching as Jade opened the bottle.

"Is it really going to hurt?" Jade asked, her blue eyes flashing a dangerous shade of anger. Tori didn't answer, but accepted the glass Jade poured for her. "Be glad I didn't unearth the scotch.".

"So," Jade said carefully, after downing half of her glass in one gulp, "your plan is for me to wait it out and book an appointment every six months to find out if I have cancer yet?"

"It's not ideal," Tori admitted, sipping her own glass. "But there's not much else that can be done. You can't treat cancer that doesn't exist."

"What if it just all gets removed?" Jade asked, eyes peering at Tori, gauging her reaction. It was something she'd considered already, Jade could see immediately.

"So, you've been reading about HBOC."

"Of course I have," Jade told her. "Damned internet. It practically begs you to do improper and poorly-backed-up research."

"Those procedures are drastic," Tori told her. "And they're not for everyone. Especially not someone who is thirty-three years old."

"But you thought about it," Jade said, fully accusing her.

Tori nodded, finishing off her glass of wine and pushing it away. She re-corked the Riesling and carried it back to the refrigerator, having no inclination of allowing Jade another glass. She sat back down and looked directly at Jade, answering her question.

"Your family history is scary. The worst I've seen in five years of practicing genetic oncology. The family tree is traced in your mother's medical file back through generations. Every woman in the maternal line has died of some type of cancer - most breast or some other forms. It goes back to the early 1900s."

"Wow," Jade said, breathing softly. "And you still don't think surgery is the answer?"

"I think that not one of those women was diagnosed early - not your mother, not your grandmother - no one. If you keep getting the screenings and being mindful, you will catch it early and you will have a chance to beat it."

"If it's that prevalent, won't it just come back?"

"Not necessarily," Tori answered. But Jade saw her expression. It was not a positive one. She had never been the better actress. "There's no reason you can't live a normal life – you just need to get beyond the not knowing. You need to find someone to talk to – I can recommend – "

"Stop," Jade ordered. "I don't want to talk about that right now. I need time to think." Tori didn't think that was a great idea, but Jade was a grown woman and she was allowed to make her own choices, so the young doctor backed off her suggestions of therapy.

That night, after she'd finally gotten rid of Tori, Jade went for the liquor cabinet. It was locked. She swore. She almost never locked it. Only when Cat spent the night did she bother. But it was locked - and there was a note from Tori with a simple message written in her neat cursive. _Call me if you need to talk._ She grumbled and went up the stairs to her bedroom. The scotch she kept hidden in her sock drawer was also gone. Damn Beck and his big mouth.

* * *

As always, please let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!


	6. It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Chapter 6 – It Only Hurts When I Breathe

"_Cause what doesn't kill me doesn't kill me _

_So fill me up for just another day.  
It only hurts when I breathe/ It only hurts when I try_

_It only hurts when I think/ It only hurts when I cry-_"

~ Next To Normal, "Just Another Day."

Before the next week began, Jade had stepped down from all of her current projects. She knew it would cause a media frenzy - but as she less-than-kindly informed her agent, she didn't give a flying fuck. She wasn't the only target. Cat and Beck started to be followed by paparazzi, being questioned as to why Jade West was giving up on the film series of the decade - and why she had stopped working at all. Beck gave his usual company line - everyone deserves privacy, etc, etc. Cat squeaked and hurried past the cameras and microphones. She was small enough to duck between, around, and below people to make quick exits.

During that time, they all called her - Cat, Beck, her father. Andre. Brandon. Even Mrs. Oliver gave it a shot. Jade ignored them all. She did shoot Piper Oliver a quick email - thanking her for her concern - and promising that she was fine - she just needed time to herself. The word must have gotten out, because by the end of the week - the calls had died down. Friday afternoon found Jade staring at her living room walls and deciding what implement she should use to break open her liquor cabinet. She was out of wine and a trip to the store seemed like too much effort.

The groan she emitted when her doorbell rang would have told any unsuspecting bystander that she was in pain. In truth, she was simply pissed off. She threw the door open to find Tori on the other side. The darker brunette waltzed past her and into the house, not giving Jade time enough to slam the door back in her face.

"Go away," Jade said, in a voice that bordered a whine.

"No," Tori answered, continuing to the kitchen. She placed the bags she was carrying on the island and her eyes skimmed the sink. She lifted two empty bottles of high-end Riesling and turned to cock her eyebrow at Jade.

The other woman shrugged angrily. "You locked my liquor cabinet - what choice did I have?"

"Staying sober for more than five seconds didn't occur to you?" Tori asked, placing the bottles back with the others - there were many.

"I'm sober now," Jade said through gritted teeth.

"When did you run out?"

"Last night. Can you please just leave the key and go?"

"So you can ruin your liver before the month is out?" Tori asked. "I don't think so. Beck is on his way over." She glanced at Jade. "You might want to shower," she paused, "or something."

"Fuck you." But it worked. Jade ran up the stairs to shower for the first time in far too long. When she returned in a fresh change of clothing - black yoga pants, black t-shirt, black sweater - Beck was sitting in the kitchen, watching Tori cook. "You have no right to invite him into my house," Jade said angrily. She turned her eyes to glare at Beck. "You have no right to be in my house!"

"Pretty sure my name is still on the deed," Beck told her gently, raising his eyebrows in question. She glared at him harder - but he was right. He knew she didn't pay attention to little details like pesky paperwork. Unless he shoved it under her nose, it never got done. It was why he made sure her taxes were done yearly and her investments were checked quarterly. It was why his name was still on her house and her medical insurance and her bank accounts - he knew she cared little for details unless they were part of something she was writing.

"Tori told me what's going on," Beck told her. "Stop being mean and sit down and talk to us." Jade glared at Tori, who lifted her shoulders and pursed her lips before speaking.

"I warned you that he was your emergency contact - and I did try to contact you five times before I called him."

Before Jade could say a word, Beck was standing beside her, pushing her toward the table. When she wouldn't cooperate by sitting in a chair, he pulled her into his lap. She scowled. "You think this is funny?"

His expression sobered. "Jade - there is nothing funny about any of this. But your behavior - it's ridiculous. We're not going anywhere - you might as well just calm down and talk with us. Before one of us calls Cat." She stopped fighting. He worried for a moment that he'd broken her - she sat next to him at the table and didn't say a word as Tori and Beck discussed the week - the things that had happened outside of Jade's walls - and Tori finished cooking. She'd made chicken stir fry - and it smelled heavenly. Jade was not going to admit that, but she did eat when a plate was set in front of her.

She rolled her eyes when Tori set a glass of milk in front of her. "I'm not drinking that."

"Yes you are," Beck told her. "Or I swear - you'll never get your hands on another bottle of Riesling. I'll make it my mission in life to deprive you of your favorite alcoholic beverage."

"Now who's being mean – and dramatic?" But she did sip at the annoying white liquid as she finished her dinner. Once the dishes were in the dishwasher, Tori pulled out a quarter of a very decadent looking cake and sliced it. She gave Jade a very small piece but the other woman shook her head.

"No. I am not eating that."

"Desert is no longer optional when you've fallen into the realm of severe thinness." Jade rolled her eyes.

"You just made that up."

"It's a medical term." It wasn't - but Tori's ability to keep a straight face while saying it was impressive.

"If I eat this, will you shut up?"

"Possibly."

"I'll take that as a no." But Jade ate it anyway, as Beck devoured his much larger piece and went for a second. After they were finished eating, Beck led her into the living room and sat her on the sofa closest to the fire. She curled her feet under her and watched as he arranged the logs and kindling and fanned the flames until he had the picture-perfect fire. She was shocked when she realized the familiar scene caused tears to spring to her eyes. She wiped them away quickly, before anyone saw them. Tori joined them, handing Jade a tumbler of scotch as she sat next to her. Beck took his own drink and sat across from them in an overstuffed chair. "I knew you had my key," Jade grumbled.

"Jade, I don't know what to do with you - what does anyone need to do to prove that they care? Why won't you let anyone in? You can't deal with this alone."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"It doesn't matter anymore," he told her gruffly. "You have an appointment with a therapist on Monday morning. She specializes in cancer diagnoses and trauma. You're going."

"The hell I am-"

"I've already talked to your father. If you don't agreed to get help and start taking care of yourself - I'll have you committed involuntarily - he'll support the decision. I don't want to- but if it's the only thing that keeps you alive, I'll do it." They both knew what he wasn't saying. Her record of severe depression spoke for itself; Beck would have an easier time getting her admitted to a psych ward than he would getting her over the border to Canada to visit his family. Her abhorrence to paperwork meant that he had unfettered access to most of her life – and if he wanted to follow through on that threat, he could. She knew from years of watching him grow tired and frustrated while dealing with her illness that he might just act on his threat.

Jade wanted to fling every swear word and insult she'd ever heard or said in that moment; but Beck's raw emotions were getting to her. She froze – a look of unparalleled distress on her face. No one else moved. She dropped the glass, ignoring the Scotch that was seeping into her expensive carpeting. Her knees pulled up to her chest, her forehead rested on her knees, and she sobbed. For the first time since she'd gotten the diagnosis, she cried. Beck was too busy with his own tears to console her. It was Tori who gathered her into a strong embrace and whispered words of assurance and comfort. She cried until her body wouldn't allow it anymore – and she fell into grayness.

She missed most of the weekend. She had no idea how she'd gotten to bed that night – and the rest of the time was almost as blurry. Beck and Tori were both there – their voices and faces muffled by her brain's inability to focus. Small moments snapped into focus – she watched Tori pace her bedroom floor for a few minutes, phone at her ear, and later realized that Beck was carrying her into the bathroom. She wanted to argue with them – to tell them to leave her alone – but she just as quickly fell back into the milky gray space that held nothing.

Sometime Monday, she sat up quickly, her eyes snapping open immediately. Her stomach was rolling – she tried to get out of bed but felt cool hands stopping her, holding her hair back as she vomited into a bucket. She couldn't help but cry as the spasms and convulsions continued, long after her stomach was empty.

"It's okay," Tori said calmly. "It's alright. Try to take little breaths – it's going to pass." And it did. Within ten minutes, she had stopped retching. Beck whisked the bucket away after Tori made her rinse her mouth. Jade lay back against her pillows, her body still shaking – or was she shivering? She had no idea. What in the hell was happening to her?

"Jade, look at me," Tori ordered softly. Jade tried – and found that it was successful. She had control over her brain and her actions again – at least somewhat. Tori was using a damp washcloth to wipe her face and neck – she had been sweating. Maybe she still was – she still couldn't quite understand what was going on. Tori read her mind – or possibly her expression. "You blacked out on us for most of the weekend," she explained. "I gave you Lorazepam – I think that's what's bringing you around."

"And making me vomit?" Jade asked – her voice cracking a bit. She clearly hadn't used it in a while. Tori helped her sit up – or lifted her up, actually, giving her no choice in the matter – and made her drink from a glass of water.

"That too," Tori admitted. "You didn't give me much choice. Your old psychiatrist wanted us to call an ambulance and have you taken to the hospital – this was the last ditch alternative before we went that route."

"No hospitals," Jade said, shaking her head. That was a bad idea – she was dizzy. She would have toppled over if Tori hadn't been holding her. The brunette eased her back down onto the bed.

"We are trying to help you avoid that," Tori promised. "But you need to work with us. For now, that means you need to rest." Tori's voice started fading as Jade's eyes closed and she did – without choosing to – fall right back to sleep.

When she woke later that day, Jade found that her sheets had been changed – and she was wearing a different pair of yoga pants and a clean, loose-fitting red t-shirt. She sat up slowly – just to make sure she wasn't dizzy or nauseous – she wasn't. She reached for her phone – but found that it wasn't in the dock where she normally kept it. Because she hadn't put herself to bed, she realized. Her phone was probably wherever she had left it before the ill-fated dinner with Beck and Tori.

Jade tested the waters more, swinging her legs to the side of the bed. She felt fairly normal, so she touched them to the ground and stood, holding onto the nightstand just in case. Beck entered the room before she could go anywhere.

"Hey," he said, the short word full of doubt and tension. She knew he wanted to tell her to get back into bed – but he also knew her reaction to that order would be unpleasant.

"Hi," she said. Her voice was still raspy. She stretched her neck and shoulders a bit, making sure she wasn't likely to fall or pass out before walking across her bedroom and into the bathroom, closing the door on Beck. She had been out for almost three days, but she was clean – she knew at some point she had been brought in here – she just couldn't remember it. She shuddered as she thought about that lost time. After using the bathroom, brushing her teeth, and washing her face - she felt slightly more human. She returned to the bedroom to find Tori and Beck waiting. Tori sat at the end of the bed, Beck stood against the wall. The door to the hall was closed. There was literally no escape from the heart-to-heart conversation they clearly wanted to have – and that Jade certainly wanted no part in.

She decided to take the lead and try to control things. She walked toward her bed and sat down against her pillows. Her eyes fixed on Tori. "What happened?"

"You had an episode of psychosis – loss of connection with reality. In your case – it presented as catatonia." Tori was fumbling with more words, trying to hide her emotions with medical jargon, but Jade had heard enough.

"Psychosis?" She raised her knees to her chest and rested her forehead on them, successfully hiding her face. She had been battling mental illness for as long as she could remember – but she'd always stayed away from the big words. And psychosis and catatonia were big, frightening words. Psychosis was a nicer form of the word psychotic. She felt her blood pressure rising, her heart fluttering, her skin flushing as anxiety set in.

Beck sat next to her, rubbing her back gently. He knew her unspoken fears. "Jade – you came out of it. You're fine. You're still at home – it's okay." It was not okay, she knew that. Before she could work herself into more of a panic, Tori moved closer and pushed a yellow pill into her hand. Jade looked at it for a moment.

"It will help," Tori promised. Jade swallowed the pill dry and again hugged her knees, waiting for the drumming in her ears to lessen. Eventually, it did. Tori made her lie down again and she did, feeling helpless as the other woman pulled the blankets up to her shoulders and urged her to rest.

* * *

So sorry for the long wait. While my life is not nearly as dramatic as Jade's in this story, I am having a lot of upheaval – some good, some bad. And even though some is good, I don't take well to large amounts of change at once – so it has been difficult to sit still and work on this. I am back working on the story and hope that you are still looking forward to reading it. Thanks so much for reading – please take a moment to review!


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